My first rap attempt, plz comment ?

I had a dream, that everything wasnt the way it seemed, my vision was clearer and i knew what i wanted to be. I was not dependent on someone or anything. Dreams were doable and in my life i was just a king. But now i had to wake up and face up everything, with sword in a hand and stick in the other, with lie on the tongue and in my mind just another, i never wanted that i wanna relax. I neve wanted that i wanna rest my back, before i collapse before i burst before i shatter. My sisters and my brothers, my fathers and my mothers, look around and take a look. That was not written in any book. Alcoholic drunks and drug addict junks, sex offenders and child abusers, kids in 8th 9th and 10th grade learning the business as if they are making a trade, gettin sold on by their mates, no family no friends cant afford gettin this or that, cant afford buying a nice pants or a black. No other way but the deadly highway. No other way but the going only no return back. Presidents are changing but their skins are, there is no change the change the change is still way too far, media making our minds making us blind. Lets sleep again lets sleep, good dreams or nightmare its no difference lets just sleep.|||You have the right idea...but you need to write it in a better format, more like a rap and not like essay, know what im sayin?





but overral, you got the right idea and are on the right track..stick to the real issues like this and not on money and ****, thats whats gunna make you stand out.





also, since you got the basics down, try changin up the words, get a better vocab, it will improve your work alot.|||talked about a million times|||what?


it seems pretty harsh...................................鈥?br>

like i dont know i would need to hear someone actually singing it or something...|||that%26#039;s a hit. spin it on a tight beat %26amp; you%26#039;ll be commin correct. job well done. 2 thumbs up. keep up the good work.|||try recording and editing it in a beat cuz right now im not sure about the beat, flow or the voice but lyrics seem nicew though... so u should write but with a beat and flow and something good with your voice