Saturday, June 4, 2011

What can be improved with this poem?

ARCTIC TWILIGHT





So early now the change


The change from day to night


- Which has upset me -


Confused my sense of time .......


No shadows are there to be cast


In this frozen northern vast.





It is a mournful season


Seemingly without a reason


The grayness makes me sad


I long for company and passion.....


Some souls at times appear afflicted


In grip of mild depression





Silence still, a pensive mood


I am alome, begin to brood


Then suddenly a drunken roar


Obscene the language


The shouting harsh and course


A banging, shuffling , a shaking floor


When they were passing by my door





Then suddenly a blaring noise


So loud and clear next door


How do I hate those flimsy walls


Sometimes I wish ..........


I had no neighbours any more





%26quot;One hour of possible sunshine only%26quot;


The announcer said - with a cheerful voice


%26quot;Right now it%26#039;s thirty five below


With gusting winds and drifting snow%26quot;


%26quot;O - cut it out, shut up%26quot;..... I swear


%26quot;That phony cheerfulnes of yours%26quot;


Which lately I do hate to hear





A slamming sound, some muffled shouts


And shrieks of laughter uncontrolled


Were slowly fading .......outside......


Somehere in the arctic cold.


I put on my parka, go for a walk


Maybe the Inn - enjoy some drinks


Perhaps there are some girls.....


Or just listen.........


To someone else%26#039;s talk.|||So early now the change I see


From day to night, it follows me


It has upset my sense of time


Confused and lost and feeling blind


No shadows are there to be cast


Now, in this frozen northern vast.





It is a quiet and mournful season


So seemingly without a reason


The envelope of grayness makes me sad


The company and passion I wish I had


Some souls at times appear afflicted


The grip of mild depression shifted





Silence still, a pensive mood


I am alone, begin to brood


Then suddenly a drunken roar


As they were passing by my door


Obscene the language, with such a force


The shouting was so harsh and course


A banging, shuffling, a shaking floor


I dont know if I can take much more





Then suddenly a blaring noise


So loud and clear just like before


How I do hate those flimsy walls


Even in light, the darkness falls


I wish and pray the neighbors knew


Of all the terror they put me through





%26quot;One hour of possible sunshine today%26quot;


With a cheerful voice I heard him say


%26quot;Right now it%26#039;s thirty five below


With gusting winds and drifting snow%26quot;


%26quot;O - cut it out, shut up%26quot;..... I swear


That phony glee I hate to hear





A slamming sound, some muffled shouts


With shrieks of laughter all about


Souls slowly fading, or so we%26#039;re told


Somewhere out in the arctic cold.


Maybe the Inn - enjoy some drinks


There are some girls, perhaps I think.....


I put on my parka, go for a walk


Just wanting to listen to someone else talk








BTW... your poem is beautiful the way you wrote it also but you asked for opinions so I figured that I would give you mine! Hope that helps a bit!|||Thank you very much! I have been writing for about 15 yrs! :)

Report Abuse


|||its ur poem ....if u like it than it is good|||delete it....it%26#039;s bad|||The meter is good, but poetry doesn%26#039;t need to rhyme. If you read all the great poetry, most of it doesn%26#039;t rhyme. The first part feels a little forced, the last stanza is very good and feels more like your %26quot;voice%26quot; coming out.|||If you are happy as it is then stay true to form and leave.


If you are compromising your writing in some way by trying to make corrections leave it be and let it be said the way you think it should.


I think it is fantastic. Well done.|||i don%26#039;t think it need any change|||It%26#039;s good. . .for the most part. I think the last 2 stanzas should be somewhere else, like I personally think that the last stanza should be switched with the next to last stanza, and that one should be after the 4th one or just keep it as the last one.|||Its good and descriptive. I would change the line, %26quot;the grayness makes me sad.%26quot; It sounds a little childish. I would try to find a better word. Otherwise, your word choice is really good. This poem shows a different lifestyle, and its very original! Good work!

No comments:

Post a Comment